3 November 2006

Showering, and other erotic activities

I think I've finally figured out the optimal way to navigate myself around an eastern European shower. Over here, the shower-head is not usually mounted on a wall bracket... jetting sweet, pressured, hot-water against your firm subtle body. Instead, there is usually a shower-head on the end of the long tubing which you can manouvre all over your body. On the plus side, you can reach all those harder to reach places and linger the hot water into those hard to reach crevices. But I like to have the constant heat pummelling me from above.

The nozzle is very limited. The spray of hot water gives temporary satisfaction and pleasure, but you have to put it down to soap up your body, and it's in those moments that the liquid heat falls off the body and diseminates, as a cold chill rapidly overcomes. So I have figured out a system. Behold, AESP(Ara's European Showering Protocol):

Crouch, legs, thighs, arms, chest, back, rinse, hair, rinse, face, rinse.
Touch self (optional)

The sequence above is organised in an order of temperature sensitivity. Of course we all know that 90% of heat is lost from the top of the head, thus suggesting it is a temperate-sensitve part of the body. So it makes simple sense to keep this part of the body dry longest.

It is also of paramount importance to be crouching down, with your knees to your chest, in the "shower". Predominantly because they aren't the typical western-style "stand-up" showers. A "shower" in eastern europe is referencing the true etymolgy of the word, i.e. a brief fall of precipitation. Hence, you are showering yourself with water. Location is inconsequential. As a result, "showering" usually takes place in a bath tub with no shower curtain or door to reduce splatter-shower radiation. Crouching is essential to reduce splatter and to conserve body heat.

It would make sense to wash your hair first as all the dirt and grime gets washed over your body as you rinse, but if you do this during a bitter-sweet Bosnian winter, for example, you would freeze your tits off, or balls, as the water quickly cools all over your body. So the key is to keep the more sensitive areas of your body dryer longer.

Soap up your lower legs, front and back, then the thighs, concentrating on the inner sanctum with rhythmic cirlces. Wash your ass and have a quick swipe at the ATM for good measure. Then rinse these areas. Go on... you deserve it.

Continue to the arms, shoulders and the chest. Hairy men and ethnic women may wish to do this in the reverse order as they will be able to develop a generous lather from the fur on their chests. Women generally get VERY dirt chests so they should wash this area thoroughly... in concentric circles... with their eyes closed... licking their lips every few seconds. This is essential for the clensing process. Trust me... I'm a doctor.

Let the soap soak in while you lather your back, then rinse everything.Now in between rinses you're going to need to place the shower-head somewhere. The floor of the tub will usually suffice, but optimally you will fix it ajar somewhere so that the water is constantly spraying your person. Unfortunately this is always not possible.
TIP! if you can position the shower head so that the stream of hot water is jetting your genitals, you will probably forget that the rest of the body is getting cold.

Next, shampoo your hair. Rinse. Repeat if necessary. Rinse. Wash your face. Rinse. The next part is important for clenliness.

The only parts that remain are the feet and the genitals. It's important that you wash your areas of sexual dinctinction before your feet to prevent the chance of feet fungi and other diseases having access to this nutirent rich enviroment. Foot bacteria are opportunistic bastards... so keep them away from any hot, moist areas. So soap up your balls, or other, rinse, wash again, rinse again, condition, rinse and massage. Then wash your feet and rinse.

After this, the only part of your body that requires cleaning are your hands. Wash your hands, rinse, and turn off the water. You should now be quite clean, having suffered minimally from the cold and lack of constant hot water showering you from above. You may now towel yourself off or lay spread-eagled on your bed in order to air-dry (recommended).

[Poi twirling in Zagreb... sorry, no shower pictures]

4 comments:

  1. were you doing this in MY shower???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
    Nothing can compare to a new experiances in life, ha????????????????????????????????
    ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. NO!!!!

    Maybe....

    (A little)

    :-P

    ReplyDelete
  3. very informative post for me as I am always looking for new content that can help me and my knowledge grow better.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hey keep posting such good and meaningful articles.

    ReplyDelete