India is an extraordinary place. It's like a different world. It really makes you appreciate civilized life, good health and functional social structure. I've been here two weeks now, but let's take it back to the beginning.

I arrived in the wee hours of 2nd November, which was the wind down of Diwali - the festival of lights. So every man, woman, stray dog and cow were sending fireworks into the air, forgetting for one night that the money they spent on projectile explosives will render them hungry for the next two weeks.

I arrived at 2 a.m. tired, hungry, sleepy and in dire need of a shit (at this stage it was too early to have the need of a "dire" shit). I knew where I was going but the cab driver insisted the guesthouse I wanted to go to was shit. I had prior knowledge of this scam - cabbies tell you your hotel is closed, burned down or no good, and take you to another hotel from where they'll get commission. In this case he happened to be right. This place contained more fecal matter than any shit I know of. My luxurious box room had two manky beds and a cozy ensuite. A shower nozzle was strategically placed over the rusted toilet, which was in turn surrounded by a pool of water. With architectural genius such as this it's no wonder India's most famous structure, the Taj Mahal, was built by moguls. Thanks to a lot of fear-mongering by the UK public health system (which I now know is bullshit) I had a trusted mosquito net impregnated with DEET at the ready. I felt as though I was on safari in a claustrophobic sewer, where the smell of shit had killed everything but the rust and mosquitoes.

Avoiding the toilet at all costs, I found I couldn't sleep with a full load. So in the end I resorted to my famous hovering trick. No anal or cheek contact for maximum protection. I have been using this technique for the last two weeks and, together with the protein supplements I'm taking, I've noticed a 50% growth in my thigh muscles.

It was a major culture shock when I first stepped out onto the streets of Delhi, but perhaps all the anxiety I felt was due to the mere 4 hours of sleep I had over the previous 48 hours. Finding out later that there is only one legitimate tourist office in Delhi, I was unfortunately taken advantage of by one of the hundreds of dodgey "Tourist Offices". I was sold a 3-day tour for 190 pounds, but after getting some food into me and coming back into coherence I realized I was overcharged by about 90 pounds. So I blasted them over the phone for taking advantage of me in my weakened state, and after threatening to report them to the Australian embassy I managed to negotiate them from a "non-refundable" payment of 190 to a 120 pound refund. 70 pounds was kept for services already rendered and "cancellation costs". I figured it was best not to cause too much of a fuss as they had my passport and bank card details. But I am actually happy that I learned this very valuable lesson relatively cheaply. Now I'm a ruthless bastard when it comes to haggling. I refuse to be charged tourist prices, so I'll take my business elsewhere even if the decrepit porter with 3 bean-teeth, who hasn't eaten solids in five days, attempts to overcharge me by 10 pence. It's the principle that matters.

So I found my feet after a day or two and now I'm having a great time now.